Wedding Flashback: Part 2

....O.K., so he had actually done it.  He had gone and proposed when I told him not to.  I could tell he was nervous, and while he looked slightly relieved when I said yes, he still looked like he might throw-up.  We called family, and went out to eat to celebrate.  It all felt like an out-of-body experience.  So many things ran through my head...Ohmygosh, I'm ENGAGED!  Ohmygosh, I'm scared!  Ohmygosh, can I do this?


All of the excitement (and shock) from our family and friends helped me calm down a little bit, but those old thoughts of "I'm not a marrying type of girl" came flooding back.  I just had so much fear.  Fear stemming from my parents multiple failed marriages, not having a strong relationship model in my life, not wanting to conform to what people thought I should do.  This really started to take a toll on not just me, but Hubby too.  He could tell I wasn't at ease with the whole thing.  I kept saying things like, "Well, I'm NOT changing my name,"  or "Maybe we should just be engaged for a couple, few years."  


Finally, one night it all came to a head.  He sat me down and asked why I was acting this way.  Why I had said yes, if I didn't really want to.  Why was I so scared of getting married?  I just burst into tears.  I didn't know.  All I knew was that I was scared terrified of getting married, of it failing, or losing him.  He looked me in the eyes and told me that the reason he wanted to marry me was not to "tie me down."  The reason he wanted to marry me was to make me his family.  ME?  Bratty, unappreciative, nonconforming me.  Well, shoot.  More tears.  He said all he wanted out of life was for us to be a family; to have kids that shared a name with both of us, and to always be partners no matter what.  More tears.


At this moment, I knew.  I knew that getting married didn't mean I was losing myself, or my independence.  It didn't mean I was throwing in the towel and conforming.  It meant that I was signing up for a life together with someone I already knew I wanted to spend it with, and all that "stupid piece of paper" meant was that legally we were a "family" even when we already knew we were.  So, I threw myself wholly into the rest of the wedding planning, and when I got to that day, I knew it completely, utterly, fully reflected what I wanted it to. That what I cared about was having a party to celebrate with our family and friends, to be soft and romantic without being gag-inducing, and to just be....perfect.  So, here are some pictures as I unload my wedding flashback on you.  And to Hubby, Thank you for sticking with me, whipping me into shape, and making me realize that marrying you was everything I never knew I wanted.