All of the excitement (and shock) from our family and friends helped me calm down a little bit, but those old thoughts of "I'm not a marrying type of girl" came flooding back. I just had so much fear. Fear stemming from my parents multiple failed marriages, not having a strong relationship model in my life, not wanting to conform to what people thought I should do. This really started to take a toll on not just me, but Hubby too. He could tell I wasn't at ease with the whole thing. I kept saying things like, "Well, I'm NOT changing my name," or "Maybe we should just be engaged for a couple, few years."
Finally, one night it all came to a head. He sat me down and asked why I was acting this way. Why I had said yes, if I didn't really want to. Why was I so scared of getting married? I just burst into tears. I didn't know. All I knew was that I was
At this moment, I knew. I knew that getting married didn't mean I was losing myself, or my independence. It didn't mean I was throwing in the towel and conforming. It meant that I was signing up for a life together with someone I already knew I wanted to spend it with, and all that "stupid piece of paper" meant was that legally we were a "family" even when we already knew we were. So, I threw myself wholly into the rest of the wedding planning, and when I got to that day, I knew it completely, utterly, fully reflected what I wanted it to. That what I cared about was having a party to celebrate with our family and friends, to be soft and romantic without being gag-inducing, and to just be....perfect. So, here are some pictures as I unload my wedding flashback on you. And to Hubby, Thank you for sticking with me, whipping me into shape, and making me realize that marrying you was everything I never knew I wanted.